Cant shut up

i wish i could make you realize the things that i realized too late. i wish you werent so afraid of giving this a chance. what if its worth it? sometimes chances are worth taking. i want you to see what i see and i want you to know that not everyone is bad in this world. you wont know it until you try. i cant promise you a happy ending, but i can promise you everything youre looking for. i have a knot in my stomach just thinking about all of this because its never how i wanted it to be.

Trying To Understand

Youre scared. So am i. I want to understand where you are coming from, but you have to tell me. i know what its like. i know its scary to feel something towards someone you cant predict the future with. but really, we cant predict the future at all. whats the point of being afraid? even though i say that, i am afraid. im afraid of getting hurt, loving/wanting someone that may not feel the same way back, im afraid to trust even the closest people in my life. but i do. because it makes a relationship so much stronger. only time can tell how something turns out to be. it can be amazing, or it could be terrible, but thats something we have to find out. i cant make your decisions for you, nor do i want to. i usually push away the people that mean most to me, but youre different. i dont want to be away from you. thats not how i feel it should be. i feel like were all afraid of things we dont know. the only way we can get over that fear is by actually giving it a chance.

You think you know, but you dont.

Why cant you just tell me what it really is that you want to say? Whatever it is, im sure i can handle it. You tell me one thing but do another. I thought i was worth the truth, but apparently im not.
People tend to run away from the truth. They run away from how they feel and who they are. Thats the easy thing to do. But why is it so difficult to confront the truth? Yes, sometimes it hurts, believe me i know. But eventually, you get over it. It becomes something that you dont care about anymore. I recently put my trust into someone that i thought cared, and it just got thrown back in my face... why? I cant answer that question. Whats even worse is when that person lies about why things have been distant. "Im busy", "crazy week", how about you just be honest? How about you stand up for once and tell me what the real problem is. Ill find out sooner or later. Im sure its just that you dont want to talk so just say it. Dont be afraid of "hurting" my feelings or whatever. Thats nothing compared to what ive already dealt with in the past.. either way, i'll hound you for an answer. I dont like to be left hanging and thats exactly what is going on right now. I'm not really "hurt" by it, but im just angry. Im angry that i let myself feel something again. Im angry that i trusted him. Im angry that i let him in my life the way that i did. It was too fast and i guess that is why all of this is happening right now.
I sit around, waiting for your "busy week" to be over with, but really im just hoping for something that wont happen. Sadly enough, as i sit here and wish i had you, youre not even thinking about me. But hey, thats life. Lucky for me, i've learned to not linger on things that i cant change. All in all, lying isnt something i admire about people. What i do admire is a nice, honest person who isnt afraid to just say how they feel. Maybe one day i'll actually find someone like that, but in the mean time, im done trying.

to: the "man" you think you are.

Why did you lie to me? Why did you hurt me the way you did? Physically, emotionally; You drained me and left me with nothing but scars and pain. You took everything from me. I wasn't okay. But I am now. Let me ask you, did it give you power? Strength? Authority? Did it lead you to regret? Damn, i hope it did. Youre not powerful. Youre not a man. Youre a coward.
Admit what you did and live with yourself. Live with the guilt that you brought upon yourself. Let it replay in your head. Repeatedly. Let my words of those minutes reverberate in your mind. Remember what you did and never forget it because sadly, I wont forget. I'm mentally not able to. But what i can forget is YOU. In fact, i already have. You arent a person. Youre an animal. You feed off of the pain that you bring to other people. You dont deserve respect. If it was up to me, you wouldnt deserve anything. If only people knew who you were and what you did. I wonder what they'd have to say about it. Who are you to even try and do such a thing? You succeeded in hurting me, but you didnt succeed in leaving me broken. The few people who know, have made me realize that youre nothing and you will always be nothing; a nobody. Try and live with yourself. You know what you did. I know what you did. It doesnt matter what other people know. But youre the one having to live with the mistake/choice that YOU made.

If i could say anything to you, i wouldnt. You arent worth my words. You actually arent worth anything. At all.

Luigi

its been a month since you passed. i miss you more than ever. sunday night i had a dream about you. it felt so real that i didnt want to wake up. was that your way of telling me good-bye since we never got to? i gave you such a big hug and it felt so real. im convinced it was really you because i feel you around me. Today I walked by the table in the senior lounge that i last talked to you/saw you at.  i still cant believe youre really gone. its unreal. please keep coming around here like you have been. come into my dreams, shine through the clouds, soar through the sky. youre incredible and i only wish i could tell you now. i know your family misses you more than anything. whenever i think of your sister, i see you. when i first met her, it was like meeting you all over again. you resemble her so much. you are such an amazing person. whenever i talked to you, i was smiling. you really knew how to make everyone happy. im getting chills just thinking about you. im trying to continue to accept that you arent here anymore, but its much more difficult than i thought. i wasnt expecting it to be easy, but i wasnt prepared for the difficulty either. keep giving me strength. keep giving your family strength. dont leave their side. i know you wont. i love you buddy and i miss you like crazy. i cant wait until we meet again. until that time comes, sleep well. not a day goes by that i dont think about you.

-come into my dreams, shine through the clouds, soar through the sky.-

life/random..

life is surprising. it comes at you with high speeds and it doesnt slow down for anyone. the people you thought you knew best turn out to be the ones you barely know at all. i feel that as we get older, we grow apart from the ones were closest to. i also feel that when we grow apart, we're pushed into someone else. and that someone else could be the one person that changes everything. thats what i like to hope for at least. when i lose a close friend due to someone else, i can only hope that its worth it in the end. sometimes the hardest things in life are the things that make us stronger people. i think its funny that there are people who are SO afraid of what others think of them that they literally play 2 completely different people. i see one side, they see the other. no one should have to "cover up" who they are. being who you are is worth it. whether or not someone accepts you, thats not what matters. do you accept yourself? cause no one else's opionion matters. i realize ive kinda drifted into 2 different things in this blog, but thats okay.

Self Absorbed

Why do people let other people control them? Seriously. I dont know how much more i can take. Im constantly disappointed with some of the decisions that the people around me make. I know i make bad decisions too, but not once have i ever thrown a friendship down the drain for a guy. Who are you to tell me i dont know what im talking about? i think i know plenty considering the fact that ever since you started dating your dumbass boyfriend, we NEVER hang out. i dont understand what is so hard about pulling your head out of his ass for an hour out of one day. Just one. face the facts and realize you arent going to be with him forever. its naive of you to think so. youre nothing but a liar. you lie to me all the time, and apparently everything you said was a lie. you contradicted yourself in a matter of two days. youre disappointing and youre two faced. keep telling yourself hes nto controling you. maybe eventually youll believe it while everyone else has KNOWN it. i was the one there for you through everything. i kept your secrets and was there for you in your darkest times. i was there when he wasnt because thats what best friends are supposed to do. i guess we see who the real friend is. thanks.