my speaking heart

Its been what feels like forever, and i still cant get you off my mind. i try to hide it but i really cant anymore. i know youre fine with the way this turned out and thats what makes it so much worse. im tired of pretending im okay with the ending. to be honest, i dont care if you know how i really feel now. i always thought it was better for me to just keep to myself, but im not concerned with that anymore. maybe it will heal me. maybe it wont. i still dont know what went wrong. you tell me different reasons, but none of them seem logical to me. theres always a way around the problems we are faced. how will you ever know if you dont try? what if everything you have ever wanted is standing right in front of you? you wont know until you just TRY. thats all it takes. but if youre too scared, then you will never end up with the things you want in your life. i just want you to know that not a day goes by that i dont think about you. theres always something that reminds me of you. i have this permanent knot in my stomach that i wish would go away. i wish for a lot, ya know. there is something about you that i havent seen in anyone else, and it scares me to think that i wont find that again. I took a chance with you and no, i dont regret it, i just wish i hadnt had so much faith in something so unpredictable. I wish you hadn't said some of the things you did because it only made me feel more for you. it was nice at the time, but when you let me down, i literally felt my heart and my stomach sink inside of me. i almost WANT you to tell me you dont want me. i want you to make me not want you.  i want to forget you. but i just cant. it might make this feeling a little less annoying. just know that wherever you are, youre a thought in my mind...and im still wishing i had you.

To A Friend:

This one's for you.
mistakes are made. words are said. are they meant? are they worth the pain you cause another person?

If i could pick one thing that I've learned throughout high school and my current course of life, I'd say that words are powerful. The way we say them, who we say them to, and the specific words we choose to use. I've made plenty of mistakes and I am not afraid to admit that. I think about my life everyday. I remember the decisions I have made and the way that I have treated other people. I KNOW that I haven't been the best friend I could have been and I know I have used words that could have been replaced with other ones. I just finished reading a book that very frequently used the term "R & R". It means "rephrase and repeat". I definitely could have done that many times by now. Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say in this specific blog is that I know what I have done. I know that I have been a bad friend at times but that never meant that I didn't care. I'm not afraid to admit to the wrongs in my life. It's much easier that way. I've been in an argument, disagreement, whatever you want to call it with a friend of mine. I considered her one of my best friends. She did put forth the effort whenever we hung out. I didn't.  I think my problem was that I never knew how much of a difference it made if just once I had been the one to make the effort. After me and my best friend of 11 or so years stopped being friends, it was nice to have that one friend that I could tell anything to. That is exactly what this girl was. She was always there for me to make me laugh and cheer me up. I could tell her anything I wanted and she'd keep it locked in the depths of her soul. I thank her for that. I hope she has read this far because I want her to know just how much I value/d her friendship. I never wanted to let her down. But I did. I've let a lot of people down. And I apologize for that. I'm in no way perfect and I am so very far from it. I want to start over. Here is to a new beginning. A new me. It's never too late to make a change in your life. So this is mine.
-Taylor

Time

Now that im about to graduate ive come to realize so many different things. The people i knew as my "best friends" turn out to be totally different than i thought. Or maybe I was different than i thought. I came into high school with so many friends and a group of really close friends.. and sadly enough, im leaving with barely any. I dont have a best friend anymore. People have moved on and foward with their lives and for some reason i still feel stuck in the same place. We are all about to start our lives as adults, but few of these people are actually acting like adults. Theres still drama, liars, back stabbers, and that onee group of people that still talk shit. according to my dad, it continues all throughout life. wonderful... im just thankful for the friends WHO HAVE stuck by me even when ive screwed up. im thankful for the people ive met along this journey, the guys who have only made me stronger, and of course my family. i can always count on them. life will pass me by, and so will time. but that doesnt take away from anything ive learned so far. i have so much more to learn and im not gonna wait around anymore for things to happen. im just gonna keep living this life i have and im gonna enjoy it, like im supposed to. peace out :)

Truthfully..

this one is kind of personal.. but go ahead and read.
I was thinking about a lot in creative writing:

When i think about life, and i mean really think, i see how fast my life has changed. I see the things I've lost and even some things that i have gained. I guess Ive started to realize that my decisions impact my life a lot. I cant keep trying to hold on to the things that i have no control over. I wait around, hoping for a happy ending. Hoping for my happy ending. I feel like there's always something wrong; like i have to fix something about myself. I'm not even sure what i mean by the word "fix". i just feel that way. ANYWAY. Ive made plenty of choices that have impacted my life in dramatic ways. Ive done things i regret more than i ever thought possible. Everyday i wish there was some way to rid of that feeling, but there isn't. There is no way to get rid of this feeling i have. I mean, there are things that help me conceal the feeling, but that's only temporary. Nothing can get rid of the truth behind it though. truth. something many people avoid. I know in my past blogs I've mentioned it. I've always complained about people lying to me or people avoiding the truth. but in all honesty, i think the truth is scary. It lies in the decisions i make. its in the consequences of my decisions. its behind my regret. its the reason i feel the way i do sometimes. truth is the reason why people are scared. we're afraid of being hurt by peoples words, because the truth does hurt. its like a punch. it hits you hard, and leaves you without words. the truth is powerful and its what we need. it makes things much easier if you just accept it. it usually sucks. but it makes you or breaks you. i like to look at it as getting stronger. Ive been in a few relationships that really ended up hurting me when they ended. the truth that hit me, the reality, ended up being the reason for the feelings that fell upon me. we all know what its like. "that" feeling. its difficult to describe. it almost feels like a knot in your stomach. i forget to breathe, until of course my lungs catch of to my mind. luckily, that feeling does fade. you learn to live without that thing/person. you fill that hole with things that make you happy. when you meet someone new who proves that everything you thought you knew, is totally different, that feeling is more sentimental than anything. don't let go of it.

Keep Your Word Next Time.

To be honest, i thought you were different. I thought you wouldnt do this to me again. i shouldnt have to sit here and replay this in my head, trying to figure out what the hell it is that i did wrong. i think i deserve an explanation or something. i finally get the courage to let a guy in my life and you remind me why i was so hesitant in the first place. you avoid confrontation. you drag me around without telling me what it is that youre feeling and you dont tell me the truth. i just think its time you need to start caring. be a little bit more considerate about the words you say, especially if you cant keep your word. it really hurts. i thought you could possibly make me realize that their are good guys out there. you were doing well for a while. the things i told you were personal, and i only did it because you made me trust you so easily. that isnt necessarily a bad thing.i dont know why i continue to blog about you/this. i just dont understand how you could tell me that you didnt want this to end. i just feel like an idiot for believing it... did you even mean it? how could you even begin to say the things you did and then turn around and ignore me like this? i just dont understand.. im stuck trying to figure it out. even if you just dont like me, id like to hear that. its better than feeling like this. i hate myself for trusting in something i couldnt control and i feel stupid for thinking this was real. it was all too perfect. you were too perfect. too perfect to be real and too perfect to actually be mine. thats how it always seems to be.

Dont Be So Scared

Why are you so afraid? I may be jumping to conclusions, but im sure i have an idea of whats going on here. You dont have to ignore me/avoid me... theres this thing called communication. most of the time, it can be pretty useful. Im not a child. Last time i checked, i think im a pretty understanding person. So perhaps you should give the truth a try. What do you say? You do know that eventually you will have to let go of your unsecurities. Whether its now or later, it will happen. Its inevitable. That is unless you want to be alone for the rest of your life. But why be alone if you have feelings for someone? You deserve to be with them. Or at least thats the way i see it. Im the kind of person that will catch you when you fall. I'll be there for you thru everything. But you have to let me in. You have to trust me. I know its hard, but its worth it.You only get one shot at life and its up to you to do the things that you want. you cant be scared all the time. some decisions have consequences. thats just how it is. but avoiding the consequence will never make you happy. ask yourself, are you really happy? are you fine with the way things are now?
ANYWAY. Be honest with me. No matter what it is. Dont drag me around like an animal.

Cant shut up

i wish i could make you realize the things that i realized too late. i wish you werent so afraid of giving this a chance. what if its worth it? sometimes chances are worth taking. i want you to see what i see and i want you to know that not everyone is bad in this world. you wont know it until you try. i cant promise you a happy ending, but i can promise you everything youre looking for. i have a knot in my stomach just thinking about all of this because its never how i wanted it to be.

Trying To Understand

Youre scared. So am i. I want to understand where you are coming from, but you have to tell me. i know what its like. i know its scary to feel something towards someone you cant predict the future with. but really, we cant predict the future at all. whats the point of being afraid? even though i say that, i am afraid. im afraid of getting hurt, loving/wanting someone that may not feel the same way back, im afraid to trust even the closest people in my life. but i do. because it makes a relationship so much stronger. only time can tell how something turns out to be. it can be amazing, or it could be terrible, but thats something we have to find out. i cant make your decisions for you, nor do i want to. i usually push away the people that mean most to me, but youre different. i dont want to be away from you. thats not how i feel it should be. i feel like were all afraid of things we dont know. the only way we can get over that fear is by actually giving it a chance.

You think you know, but you dont.

Why cant you just tell me what it really is that you want to say? Whatever it is, im sure i can handle it. You tell me one thing but do another. I thought i was worth the truth, but apparently im not.
People tend to run away from the truth. They run away from how they feel and who they are. Thats the easy thing to do. But why is it so difficult to confront the truth? Yes, sometimes it hurts, believe me i know. But eventually, you get over it. It becomes something that you dont care about anymore. I recently put my trust into someone that i thought cared, and it just got thrown back in my face... why? I cant answer that question. Whats even worse is when that person lies about why things have been distant. "Im busy", "crazy week", how about you just be honest? How about you stand up for once and tell me what the real problem is. Ill find out sooner or later. Im sure its just that you dont want to talk so just say it. Dont be afraid of "hurting" my feelings or whatever. Thats nothing compared to what ive already dealt with in the past.. either way, i'll hound you for an answer. I dont like to be left hanging and thats exactly what is going on right now. I'm not really "hurt" by it, but im just angry. Im angry that i let myself feel something again. Im angry that i trusted him. Im angry that i let him in my life the way that i did. It was too fast and i guess that is why all of this is happening right now.
I sit around, waiting for your "busy week" to be over with, but really im just hoping for something that wont happen. Sadly enough, as i sit here and wish i had you, youre not even thinking about me. But hey, thats life. Lucky for me, i've learned to not linger on things that i cant change. All in all, lying isnt something i admire about people. What i do admire is a nice, honest person who isnt afraid to just say how they feel. Maybe one day i'll actually find someone like that, but in the mean time, im done trying.