I dont know

I dont know anything right now. I dont know why these things keep happening. I dont know where i can find answers. I dont know how i can fix this

yeah

do you ever think about how much things have changed? not only in a person, but in life too? do you ever see yourself and wish there were things you hadnt done because they arent who you are? i hate some of the things that ive done. i hate that i cant change anything. its one of the worst feelings.but i guess i have to live with it

In the Bahamas. Its sad to think a lot has changed since then too.

Changes

I think its funny. How much youve changed. How you arent the same person i knew. The choices you make. The one your with. Everything. You arent the same person. You are a stranger to me. Maybe one day you will see that what you are doing is wrong and that eventually you really arent going to have anyone because all you do is push people away and focus on one. The decisions you have made recently truly make me wonder what goes through your mind.

I have tried to understand you and make ammends, but nothing is ever going to change. Not now, at least. Youve pulled us apart. My family. and you and i. No, you dont see it. And you wont see it. Youre a liar and your word doesnt mean anything to me anymore.

Think about he things you have done this past year. Analyze yourself. And then tell me you havent changed.

Im concerned and i care, but i have done my part. All i can do now is wait.

And the sad part is:

you will never see it. youll never see how mean you are because you are too full of yourself and too busy dogging on other people (me) over the internet. I really couldnt give less of a fuck what you think. I have reasons for everything i do. And just because i told you i wasnt rooming with you doesnt make me a bad person. It also shouldnt have made us stop being friends. But i dont really mind it. Maybe one day youll realize that no one is perfect. Including you.

Honestly

I think you need to realize that YOU are NOT innocent in this. Im getting really sick and tired of coming to find that you have been saying more shit about me on the internet. REAL mature. I made the choice i did because you are a mean, mean person. And honey, i can promise you that im not the only one that thinks it.

HAHA

you are the perfect example of immaturity.

blinded.

to me, my family is all i know. i have them for sure and they arent going anywhere. they are gonna be the ones that love me no matter how i look, what i say, how dumb i act, or when i mess up. ive always been the one to stand up for the things i believe in. sometimes a little too harshly, but thats okay. it never mattered what the outcome was. blood always comes first. im not afraid to lose anything when im standing up for my family. i just dont understand how someone can side with another person who isnt even related to them. how can that person side with their boyfriend when he talks shit about her own family? i honestly just dont get it.

over the past year i have watched my relationship with my sister slowly evaporate into nothing. ive tried reaching out to her. yeah, we fight a lot. and we say hurtful things to one another but i do love her. i just dont like the way things are going for her right now. i wish she could see into my eyes. and everyone elses. maybe she would see that there is so much ahead of her. so much life and experience that she isnt going to have if she is with someone who cant even be just a genuinely good person to her. my opinion is biased, but im going on what i have been told directly. i wish things would just go back to how they were before boyfriends were even in her life. sometimes its really hard to be in a house, 5 feet away from the girl ive known my whole life and not even say a word to one another. tears are swelling up in my eyes thinking of how good things used to be. and what really sucks is that out of the 2 of us, im the only one that sees things this way. as for her, shes blinded by the truth. all i can do is hope that one day the different paths we are currently taking in life will lead us back together because all i want is my sister. i want my best friend.

let me ask

what benefit do you get from bringing other people down? just because youre unhappy with your life doesnt give you the right to make other people unhappy too.

Its Been A While

at the moment, my life is everything i have been hoping for. im happy and looking forward to the future. scared, of course, but i cant do much about that. life is amazing and i am thankful to be where i am today. i graduate in 2 weeks... its such a scary thought but i know i have so much ahead of me. a few weeks ago at work, i was talking to a very old woman and she was telling me about her life and how amazing it had been. as i said goodbye to  her, she told me to "have a wonderful life". I had never been told something like that before in such a serious, yet, cheerful tone. it was something i thought about for a while. i was trying to understand her. i know it seems like something minor, but it ran through my mind for days.
the words that she had said to me were so shocking and it definitely caught me off guard. i didnt know what to think. those few words that she said to me will forever be with me because of the way they hit me. it made me think about life and how long it is. i want to do the things that i want before its too late. i dont want to regret not doing anything. anyway, my life is at an incredible point right now and i can only hope it stays this way :)

Just Saying

Its funny how the things you thought you needed most evolve to nothing.

The things i felt like nothing without are forgotten and the people that meant the most to me are nothing to me now. The ones that let me down are the ones that arent worth my time anymore. you meet new people and time goes on. i forgive too easily. carrying a burden of anger is only a waste of my energy. theres only one exception to forgiveness that i have and he knows who he is.. (rot in hell, bastard ;)) life is full of lessons. sometimes we dont bother trying to understand it but other times it can be the greatest thing. it just depends on how well you work with what youre given.

my speaking heart

Its been what feels like forever, and i still cant get you off my mind. i try to hide it but i really cant anymore. i know youre fine with the way this turned out and thats what makes it so much worse. im tired of pretending im okay with the ending. to be honest, i dont care if you know how i really feel now. i always thought it was better for me to just keep to myself, but im not concerned with that anymore. maybe it will heal me. maybe it wont. i still dont know what went wrong. you tell me different reasons, but none of them seem logical to me. theres always a way around the problems we are faced. how will you ever know if you dont try? what if everything you have ever wanted is standing right in front of you? you wont know until you just TRY. thats all it takes. but if youre too scared, then you will never end up with the things you want in your life. i just want you to know that not a day goes by that i dont think about you. theres always something that reminds me of you. i have this permanent knot in my stomach that i wish would go away. i wish for a lot, ya know. there is something about you that i havent seen in anyone else, and it scares me to think that i wont find that again. I took a chance with you and no, i dont regret it, i just wish i hadnt had so much faith in something so unpredictable. I wish you hadn't said some of the things you did because it only made me feel more for you. it was nice at the time, but when you let me down, i literally felt my heart and my stomach sink inside of me. i almost WANT you to tell me you dont want me. i want you to make me not want you.  i want to forget you. but i just cant. it might make this feeling a little less annoying. just know that wherever you are, youre a thought in my mind...and im still wishing i had you.

To A Friend:

This one's for you.
mistakes are made. words are said. are they meant? are they worth the pain you cause another person?

If i could pick one thing that I've learned throughout high school and my current course of life, I'd say that words are powerful. The way we say them, who we say them to, and the specific words we choose to use. I've made plenty of mistakes and I am not afraid to admit that. I think about my life everyday. I remember the decisions I have made and the way that I have treated other people. I KNOW that I haven't been the best friend I could have been and I know I have used words that could have been replaced with other ones. I just finished reading a book that very frequently used the term "R & R". It means "rephrase and repeat". I definitely could have done that many times by now. Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say in this specific blog is that I know what I have done. I know that I have been a bad friend at times but that never meant that I didn't care. I'm not afraid to admit to the wrongs in my life. It's much easier that way. I've been in an argument, disagreement, whatever you want to call it with a friend of mine. I considered her one of my best friends. She did put forth the effort whenever we hung out. I didn't.  I think my problem was that I never knew how much of a difference it made if just once I had been the one to make the effort. After me and my best friend of 11 or so years stopped being friends, it was nice to have that one friend that I could tell anything to. That is exactly what this girl was. She was always there for me to make me laugh and cheer me up. I could tell her anything I wanted and she'd keep it locked in the depths of her soul. I thank her for that. I hope she has read this far because I want her to know just how much I value/d her friendship. I never wanted to let her down. But I did. I've let a lot of people down. And I apologize for that. I'm in no way perfect and I am so very far from it. I want to start over. Here is to a new beginning. A new me. It's never too late to make a change in your life. So this is mine.
-Taylor

Time

Now that im about to graduate ive come to realize so many different things. The people i knew as my "best friends" turn out to be totally different than i thought. Or maybe I was different than i thought. I came into high school with so many friends and a group of really close friends.. and sadly enough, im leaving with barely any. I dont have a best friend anymore. People have moved on and foward with their lives and for some reason i still feel stuck in the same place. We are all about to start our lives as adults, but few of these people are actually acting like adults. Theres still drama, liars, back stabbers, and that onee group of people that still talk shit. according to my dad, it continues all throughout life. wonderful... im just thankful for the friends WHO HAVE stuck by me even when ive screwed up. im thankful for the people ive met along this journey, the guys who have only made me stronger, and of course my family. i can always count on them. life will pass me by, and so will time. but that doesnt take away from anything ive learned so far. i have so much more to learn and im not gonna wait around anymore for things to happen. im just gonna keep living this life i have and im gonna enjoy it, like im supposed to. peace out :)

Truthfully..

this one is kind of personal.. but go ahead and read.
I was thinking about a lot in creative writing:

When i think about life, and i mean really think, i see how fast my life has changed. I see the things I've lost and even some things that i have gained. I guess Ive started to realize that my decisions impact my life a lot. I cant keep trying to hold on to the things that i have no control over. I wait around, hoping for a happy ending. Hoping for my happy ending. I feel like there's always something wrong; like i have to fix something about myself. I'm not even sure what i mean by the word "fix". i just feel that way. ANYWAY. Ive made plenty of choices that have impacted my life in dramatic ways. Ive done things i regret more than i ever thought possible. Everyday i wish there was some way to rid of that feeling, but there isn't. There is no way to get rid of this feeling i have. I mean, there are things that help me conceal the feeling, but that's only temporary. Nothing can get rid of the truth behind it though. truth. something many people avoid. I know in my past blogs I've mentioned it. I've always complained about people lying to me or people avoiding the truth. but in all honesty, i think the truth is scary. It lies in the decisions i make. its in the consequences of my decisions. its behind my regret. its the reason i feel the way i do sometimes. truth is the reason why people are scared. we're afraid of being hurt by peoples words, because the truth does hurt. its like a punch. it hits you hard, and leaves you without words. the truth is powerful and its what we need. it makes things much easier if you just accept it. it usually sucks. but it makes you or breaks you. i like to look at it as getting stronger. Ive been in a few relationships that really ended up hurting me when they ended. the truth that hit me, the reality, ended up being the reason for the feelings that fell upon me. we all know what its like. "that" feeling. its difficult to describe. it almost feels like a knot in your stomach. i forget to breathe, until of course my lungs catch of to my mind. luckily, that feeling does fade. you learn to live without that thing/person. you fill that hole with things that make you happy. when you meet someone new who proves that everything you thought you knew, is totally different, that feeling is more sentimental than anything. don't let go of it.

Keep Your Word Next Time.

To be honest, i thought you were different. I thought you wouldnt do this to me again. i shouldnt have to sit here and replay this in my head, trying to figure out what the hell it is that i did wrong. i think i deserve an explanation or something. i finally get the courage to let a guy in my life and you remind me why i was so hesitant in the first place. you avoid confrontation. you drag me around without telling me what it is that youre feeling and you dont tell me the truth. i just think its time you need to start caring. be a little bit more considerate about the words you say, especially if you cant keep your word. it really hurts. i thought you could possibly make me realize that their are good guys out there. you were doing well for a while. the things i told you were personal, and i only did it because you made me trust you so easily. that isnt necessarily a bad thing.i dont know why i continue to blog about you/this. i just dont understand how you could tell me that you didnt want this to end. i just feel like an idiot for believing it... did you even mean it? how could you even begin to say the things you did and then turn around and ignore me like this? i just dont understand.. im stuck trying to figure it out. even if you just dont like me, id like to hear that. its better than feeling like this. i hate myself for trusting in something i couldnt control and i feel stupid for thinking this was real. it was all too perfect. you were too perfect. too perfect to be real and too perfect to actually be mine. thats how it always seems to be.

Dont Be So Scared

Why are you so afraid? I may be jumping to conclusions, but im sure i have an idea of whats going on here. You dont have to ignore me/avoid me... theres this thing called communication. most of the time, it can be pretty useful. Im not a child. Last time i checked, i think im a pretty understanding person. So perhaps you should give the truth a try. What do you say? You do know that eventually you will have to let go of your unsecurities. Whether its now or later, it will happen. Its inevitable. That is unless you want to be alone for the rest of your life. But why be alone if you have feelings for someone? You deserve to be with them. Or at least thats the way i see it. Im the kind of person that will catch you when you fall. I'll be there for you thru everything. But you have to let me in. You have to trust me. I know its hard, but its worth it.You only get one shot at life and its up to you to do the things that you want. you cant be scared all the time. some decisions have consequences. thats just how it is. but avoiding the consequence will never make you happy. ask yourself, are you really happy? are you fine with the way things are now?
ANYWAY. Be honest with me. No matter what it is. Dont drag me around like an animal.

Cant shut up

i wish i could make you realize the things that i realized too late. i wish you werent so afraid of giving this a chance. what if its worth it? sometimes chances are worth taking. i want you to see what i see and i want you to know that not everyone is bad in this world. you wont know it until you try. i cant promise you a happy ending, but i can promise you everything youre looking for. i have a knot in my stomach just thinking about all of this because its never how i wanted it to be.

Trying To Understand

Youre scared. So am i. I want to understand where you are coming from, but you have to tell me. i know what its like. i know its scary to feel something towards someone you cant predict the future with. but really, we cant predict the future at all. whats the point of being afraid? even though i say that, i am afraid. im afraid of getting hurt, loving/wanting someone that may not feel the same way back, im afraid to trust even the closest people in my life. but i do. because it makes a relationship so much stronger. only time can tell how something turns out to be. it can be amazing, or it could be terrible, but thats something we have to find out. i cant make your decisions for you, nor do i want to. i usually push away the people that mean most to me, but youre different. i dont want to be away from you. thats not how i feel it should be. i feel like were all afraid of things we dont know. the only way we can get over that fear is by actually giving it a chance.

You think you know, but you dont.

Why cant you just tell me what it really is that you want to say? Whatever it is, im sure i can handle it. You tell me one thing but do another. I thought i was worth the truth, but apparently im not.
People tend to run away from the truth. They run away from how they feel and who they are. Thats the easy thing to do. But why is it so difficult to confront the truth? Yes, sometimes it hurts, believe me i know. But eventually, you get over it. It becomes something that you dont care about anymore. I recently put my trust into someone that i thought cared, and it just got thrown back in my face... why? I cant answer that question. Whats even worse is when that person lies about why things have been distant. "Im busy", "crazy week", how about you just be honest? How about you stand up for once and tell me what the real problem is. Ill find out sooner or later. Im sure its just that you dont want to talk so just say it. Dont be afraid of "hurting" my feelings or whatever. Thats nothing compared to what ive already dealt with in the past.. either way, i'll hound you for an answer. I dont like to be left hanging and thats exactly what is going on right now. I'm not really "hurt" by it, but im just angry. Im angry that i let myself feel something again. Im angry that i trusted him. Im angry that i let him in my life the way that i did. It was too fast and i guess that is why all of this is happening right now.
I sit around, waiting for your "busy week" to be over with, but really im just hoping for something that wont happen. Sadly enough, as i sit here and wish i had you, youre not even thinking about me. But hey, thats life. Lucky for me, i've learned to not linger on things that i cant change. All in all, lying isnt something i admire about people. What i do admire is a nice, honest person who isnt afraid to just say how they feel. Maybe one day i'll actually find someone like that, but in the mean time, im done trying.

to: the "man" you think you are.

Why did you lie to me? Why did you hurt me the way you did? Physically, emotionally; You drained me and left me with nothing but scars and pain. You took everything from me. I wasn't okay. But I am now. Let me ask you, did it give you power? Strength? Authority? Did it lead you to regret? Damn, i hope it did. Youre not powerful. Youre not a man. Youre a coward.
Admit what you did and live with yourself. Live with the guilt that you brought upon yourself. Let it replay in your head. Repeatedly. Let my words of those minutes reverberate in your mind. Remember what you did and never forget it because sadly, I wont forget. I'm mentally not able to. But what i can forget is YOU. In fact, i already have. You arent a person. Youre an animal. You feed off of the pain that you bring to other people. You dont deserve respect. If it was up to me, you wouldnt deserve anything. If only people knew who you were and what you did. I wonder what they'd have to say about it. Who are you to even try and do such a thing? You succeeded in hurting me, but you didnt succeed in leaving me broken. The few people who know, have made me realize that youre nothing and you will always be nothing; a nobody. Try and live with yourself. You know what you did. I know what you did. It doesnt matter what other people know. But youre the one having to live with the mistake/choice that YOU made.

If i could say anything to you, i wouldnt. You arent worth my words. You actually arent worth anything. At all.

Luigi

its been a month since you passed. i miss you more than ever. sunday night i had a dream about you. it felt so real that i didnt want to wake up. was that your way of telling me good-bye since we never got to? i gave you such a big hug and it felt so real. im convinced it was really you because i feel you around me. Today I walked by the table in the senior lounge that i last talked to you/saw you at.  i still cant believe youre really gone. its unreal. please keep coming around here like you have been. come into my dreams, shine through the clouds, soar through the sky. youre incredible and i only wish i could tell you now. i know your family misses you more than anything. whenever i think of your sister, i see you. when i first met her, it was like meeting you all over again. you resemble her so much. you are such an amazing person. whenever i talked to you, i was smiling. you really knew how to make everyone happy. im getting chills just thinking about you. im trying to continue to accept that you arent here anymore, but its much more difficult than i thought. i wasnt expecting it to be easy, but i wasnt prepared for the difficulty either. keep giving me strength. keep giving your family strength. dont leave their side. i know you wont. i love you buddy and i miss you like crazy. i cant wait until we meet again. until that time comes, sleep well. not a day goes by that i dont think about you.

-come into my dreams, shine through the clouds, soar through the sky.-

life/random..

life is surprising. it comes at you with high speeds and it doesnt slow down for anyone. the people you thought you knew best turn out to be the ones you barely know at all. i feel that as we get older, we grow apart from the ones were closest to. i also feel that when we grow apart, we're pushed into someone else. and that someone else could be the one person that changes everything. thats what i like to hope for at least. when i lose a close friend due to someone else, i can only hope that its worth it in the end. sometimes the hardest things in life are the things that make us stronger people. i think its funny that there are people who are SO afraid of what others think of them that they literally play 2 completely different people. i see one side, they see the other. no one should have to "cover up" who they are. being who you are is worth it. whether or not someone accepts you, thats not what matters. do you accept yourself? cause no one else's opionion matters. i realize ive kinda drifted into 2 different things in this blog, but thats okay.

Self Absorbed

Why do people let other people control them? Seriously. I dont know how much more i can take. Im constantly disappointed with some of the decisions that the people around me make. I know i make bad decisions too, but not once have i ever thrown a friendship down the drain for a guy. Who are you to tell me i dont know what im talking about? i think i know plenty considering the fact that ever since you started dating your dumbass boyfriend, we NEVER hang out. i dont understand what is so hard about pulling your head out of his ass for an hour out of one day. Just one. face the facts and realize you arent going to be with him forever. its naive of you to think so. youre nothing but a liar. you lie to me all the time, and apparently everything you said was a lie. you contradicted yourself in a matter of two days. youre disappointing and youre two faced. keep telling yourself hes nto controling you. maybe eventually youll believe it while everyone else has KNOWN it. i was the one there for you through everything. i kept your secrets and was there for you in your darkest times. i was there when he wasnt because thats what best friends are supposed to do. i guess we see who the real friend is. thanks.

i miss you

i sit here, crying. i hate thinking that youre not coming back. today felt empty. i felt empty. knowing you werent there to make me smile, to brighten my day. i missed your smile and your sloppy wave to me in the halls. i keep thinking youre just joking and that youll come back to me. i keep hoping im in a dream and somehow ill wake up. somehow, youll wake me up. i hope for the impossible and i want what i cant have. whats even worse is that you cant have life anymore. you dont have a life anymore. but you do still have me. you have all your friends, your family, and everyone who knew you. we will not let you be forgotten Luigi. It just wont happen. I love you. I'll keep your spirit alive. And even though youre gone and we all have to live with it, i really dont think i'll ever be the same. i wish i had said these words to you. i wish you had the chance to hear what im feeling. i'll come visit you at your grave, ill talk to you. and i wont let you be alone.
Sleep tight buddy. <3

my tears, they fall for you.
i remember every second we spent together,
and i cherish it. i cherish it forever.

This is it

I woke up this morning thinking everything was a dream. Disappointment set in when i realized it is my reality. I still don't know how to react. Im stunned; like a deer caught in headlights. All i know is that he's gone. He didnt deserve this. He deserves a life. So why isnt he here?

To Luigi

Death is something that impacts peoples lives everyday. The acceptance of losing someone close to you is difficult. Today, I lost someone incredible. Luigi. I dont think my words can even describe the kind of person he was. He impacted so many peoples lives with his personality. He was so fun to be around. I'm still trying to understand his death, myself. I dont know what to think or what to say. Just thinking of him causes me to cry but not because hes gone. Im crying because i wont be able to hear his voice again. I wont take him home from school anymore. He wont wave at me, talk to me and i wont see him anymore. It tears me apart because he didnt deserve to die. No one deserves to die. Its only a part of life, i just wish it didnt have to come so soon. Throughout this process, ive realized that life is something so fragile. It can be gone in only a second. I look back and only wish i could have said something. I wonder if I could have changed the outcome of his life. I wanted to impact his life as much as he impacted mine. No matter how shitty his day would be going, hed always bring light into mine. He brought light into everyones day. When i was woken up by sirens this morning i didnt even think it could have been someone i knew. It saddens me a lot to know that those firetrucks were going to his house. I can only hope his death was peaceful. I wish he knew how much everyone loves him and how much we are going to miss him. If only we had a chance to say the words he deserved to hear. All the words that we post on his facebook and our statuses now that he is gone should have been told to him. Its never too late though. At least that is what i tell myself. I dont think it is too late to tell the ones around you how you feel. Its up to us to share our feelings because we dont know when the end comes for another person. Life is special. I hope everyone can understand that before its too late. So say the words youve been wanting to say. Share your love with everyone around you. i love you Luigi. You will forever be with me. RIP.

Annoyed

Go ahead and walk your sloppy ass into your first class on a monday morning complaining about how much you drank. Keep talking about how many shots you took and how the cops got called. No one really gives a shit...

I get too annoyed when i hear people talking about how much they drank this weekend and how they got trashed. Please... just shut up and save yourself the embarrassment. It doesnt make you cool because you drink and no one wants to hear about it.

Control

So you think you have the right to control someone just because you love them? You think you have the right to dictate the things they can and cant do? Correction, my friend: You dont. LOVE IS NOT ABOUT CONTROLLING WHO YOURE WITH. ITS ABOUT BEING HAPPY WITH THE ONE YOUR WITH. So back the fuck off. I really hate when boyfriends think they can control their girlfriends. Being in love with someone gives you no "rights" at all. No right to control, demand, dictate, or whatever it is they think they can do. Someone very close to me had all of these future plans with her boyfriend. What happened when they broke up? OH.. YEAH. It all fell apart around her. I dont want to watch that happen to anyone else. Whether its college, friends, or some other stupid shit that they think they control, i just get easily annoyed with their stupidity. Being in a relationship means being happy, right? So shouldnt the boyfriend/girlfriend be happy with the things that their significant other wants to do with their life? Personally, i think they should. ITS NOT YOUR LIFE. AND NO ONE HAS CONTROL OVER ANOTHER'S LIFE EXCEPT FOR THAT PERSON. We spend our lives learning lessons but we cant spend our lives waiting around for someone who we dont even know things will work with. THINKING is NOT KNOWING. We dont know if it will be worth it. Going away to college doesnt mean being a l o n e. But here are things it does mean:
--- A CHANCE AT SOMETHING, making new friends, starting FRESH, its a change, being away from everything you know, a new environment, learn something new, independence!!!!, a new life---
Just because you want to go away to college doesnt mean you lose everything you know and have known. It just means you learn NEW things. youll learn more lessons in life. You only really get one shot at college/career/ and a future. But youll get more than one shot at love.
<3

Pathetic

People who cant fight for themselves. I have a lot to say to you. If youre going to start drama, dont get your bigger, badder friend whos more of a man than you are to stand up for you. Stand up for yourself. I do my best not to fight with anyone and stay out of drama but when people immaturely walk up to me in school and make grunting noises, I can't help but laugh. The immaturity of the people around me truly blows my mind. I'm surrounded by 5 year olds. Whats even worse is when people try and stir the pot over Facebook. WHO CARES? I know i'm blogging about it right now and it seems like I care, but I really just want to get my opinion across. What I really care about is making sure the people who try and bully me don't bully anyone else. I'm not going to lie, there are times where it has really gotten to me, but over time, I realize that THEY are the ones that look dumb, not me. I try and be the bigger person but sometimes it really just isnt possible. There are times where I just want to scream in their face, but I know if I do that then they will think they win. False. They don't win. They lose. They lose because they have nothing better to do with their time but make other people feel bad because they dont have the self confidence they want. They can think they are winning this little game of confidence but really, they just make themselves looks stupid and everyone else notices it along the way. Newsflash: Game over.