my speaking heart

Its been what feels like forever, and i still cant get you off my mind. i try to hide it but i really cant anymore. i know youre fine with the way this turned out and thats what makes it so much worse. im tired of pretending im okay with the ending. to be honest, i dont care if you know how i really feel now. i always thought it was better for me to just keep to myself, but im not concerned with that anymore. maybe it will heal me. maybe it wont. i still dont know what went wrong. you tell me different reasons, but none of them seem logical to me. theres always a way around the problems we are faced. how will you ever know if you dont try? what if everything you have ever wanted is standing right in front of you? you wont know until you just TRY. thats all it takes. but if youre too scared, then you will never end up with the things you want in your life. i just want you to know that not a day goes by that i dont think about you. theres always something that reminds me of you. i have this permanent knot in my stomach that i wish would go away. i wish for a lot, ya know. there is something about you that i havent seen in anyone else, and it scares me to think that i wont find that again. I took a chance with you and no, i dont regret it, i just wish i hadnt had so much faith in something so unpredictable. I wish you hadn't said some of the things you did because it only made me feel more for you. it was nice at the time, but when you let me down, i literally felt my heart and my stomach sink inside of me. i almost WANT you to tell me you dont want me. i want you to make me not want you.  i want to forget you. but i just cant. it might make this feeling a little less annoying. just know that wherever you are, youre a thought in my mind...and im still wishing i had you.